Why I Blame Eve

First, it was Eve who took a bite from the apple
that condemned the world, banished us from the garden
of Eden—that flowered image of heaven
on Earth, built for his two children by God
himself, and destroyed by the temptation of sin,
thus beginning man’s descent into Hell.

Now, to be honest, I don’t now what in the hell
that bitch was thinking. Sure, perhaps the apple
looked good, but if I were going to sin
and get kicked out of paradise, out of the Garden
of Eden, I would at least make sure it was a god-
damned good one. Make God leap from Heaven

and scream, “Eve, just what in heaven’s
name do you think you’re doing? Off to Hell
with you, young lady!” I’d justly piss off God
so the curse of child birth wasn’t over a fucking apple!
Especially since it was a pretty big garden,
one filled with fun that wasn’t the origin of Sin.

If it were me and I were going to fulfill the first sin,
I would do something cool, like blow up Heaven
or plant weed among the bushes in the garden-
smoke so much that I didn’t know what in the hell
was going on around me. Then if she ate the apple,
I couldn’t blame her and neither could God.

Of course, this was the Old Testament God,
the one who condemned you for your sins
without a fair trial. Even eating an apple
set that prick off. All I can say is that Heaven
better be beautiful—I don’t know how it, or Hell,
could beat running around naked in a garden.

Or maybe I’d grab Adam for a randy roll in the garden
while he moaned and screamed out, “oh my god!”
loud enough to wake up even the Devil in Hell.
Now, I think that would be the sin
worthy enough to get me kicked out of heaven.
and Eden. But no, all of it over an apple.

And that garden-grown apple better have been delicious
because when I get to Heaven and I see Eve,
I’m kicking her sinful ass—an eternity in hell is worth it.

- Tara Smith